Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Backstage

Whilst skipping Sunday school...I mean...while in between blocks at church last Sunday, I was chatting with the Relief Society president about a task I was given for an upcoming Relief Society meeting, and she lovingly asked me to make sure and tell her if I was feeling overwhelmed, to which I replied "I'm fine" to which she asked "How?"...to which another participant of the conversation, who is a seasoned mother and tactfully honest, replied, "This is the Front stage...we can't see what's going on back stage". There were a few beats of silence until we all laughed and moved on with the conversation. So now I'm left thinking about whats really going on "Back stage"
Setting:
West Virginia
Characters:
Holly (The Mother/Wife), Kimball (The Father/Husband), Mya (Child #1), Aiden (Child #2)
Plot:
My Life, more specifically the ins and outs of everyday life in all of its triumphs and failures.
Scene:
Holly has been pregnant with child #3 with a husband who is close to finishing his first year as a surgical resident
Lately if someone came and took a look "back stage" you would be liable to find any or all of the following things:

  • Aiden crying in a fit of rage because something didn't happen EXACTLY the way he wanted it
  • Mya crying because Aiden is touching her things, or breathing her air
  • Both kids entertaining themselves because Holly is either A) Puking B) Laying down with a migraine C) eating or D) trying to do all three
  • Holly wishing Kimball would come home
  • Kimball asleep with both children on his lap wanting a story read to them
  • Holly screaming at the mystery person who she's certain is slipping poison in her food and causing her to still be puking
  • Mya using her new favorite phrase "..but I WANT to"..like this news will all of a sudden change my mind about letting her cut her own hair with safety scissors..."Oh well, since you WANT to that changes everything.."
  • Holly trying on 10 different outfits because each makes her look 10 lbs. heavier than the next
  • Holly wishing she lived close to any family that would feel at least semi-obligated to come rescue her out of her sweatpants
....not pretty. So if all appears to be right on the front stage, why not keep it that way, you may ask. Because I need a little reassurance that the certain scene of this "play" will have a happy outcome. I need to know that once my brain returns to normal and stops trying to pulse its way out of my skull, and once the culprit who is poisoning me is found and severely punished, I'll have accomplished the noble cause of motherhood once more. Will my family and I be slightly worse for wear, maybe, but it's worth it...right?

Both times I've had a child arrive there has been a moment when we first meet each other, just a small fleeting moment, there is a perceptible shift when we look at eachother and things become so clear. My purpose becomes clear. I'm waiting for that to happen again, which is really the only motivation for doing any of this. There are rare moments that come along that I feel it again, when Mya tells me I'm her best friend, or when Aiden walks over,takes out his pacifier and gives me a kiss, but never quite as strong as when I hold them for the first time. So for now thats what I'll keep waiting for, and until then I'll make sure that entrance to the "back stage" remains off limits.

2 comments:

Kathy said...

Thanks for letting us backstage. I have been wondering how you are, and now I know. You are in need of a visit from your Texas friends. Yikes when can we get together? Are you still working?

Jen said...

You're amazing and have mad skills to be able to keep your backstage from general view. I feel like mine is painfully obvious.